Doctors say you do not have to be the strong one when a loved one is dying

People facing the end of their lives can decide how they want to say goodbye and who they want to be there for it. Experts say those making these decisions do not need to appear strong or manage the emotions of everyone around them.

Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist, noted that a person who knows their time is short is not sharing news to control how others feel. "You need to be getting the support that you need," Cradduck said. She acknowledged that loved ones are also going through grief and crisis, but she emphasized that the dying person still requires a support system.

Cradduck advised listeners to be honest about their feelings but not to expect the person who is dying to hold them up. She said she has seen this dynamic happen too often, where the burden of emotional stability falls on the wrong person.

Different people handle the announcement of a terminal diagnosis in different ways. Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, recalled a minister who told his congregation he had a terminal illness. O’Rourke described the silence in the room as total. The minister asked people not to approach him with questions. He needed space and distance, but he wanted the community to know because they would see physical changes in him. O’Rourke said she had deep respect for his request, noting that everyone must die on their own terms.

Other individuals choose to spend their remaining time in close company. Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said some people say they do not have much time left and want to spend it together. Katherine Ambrose, an aging well coach, said everyone is different and that it is hard to predict how a diagnosis will affect a person. She listed grief, unfinished business, and relationships as common concerns.

Ambrose suggested starting a conversation by saying, "I wish I had more time, but let’s make the best of the time that’s left." Rogers offered another approach: "This is how I’d like you to celebrate my life." O’Rourke said the first step is to think through what you need and then ask for it. Some people do not want to talk about their condition. They want to experience life without people looking at them with sympathy.

Cradduck said people have a choice every day to live fully or simply exist. That choice remains after a terminal diagnosis. "You can live every day until you pass through your final sunset, or you can exist every day," Cradduck said. She has seen people who are actively dying still accomplish things they wanted to do. Cradduck said society has a problem talking about death and dying. "We don’t like to face mortality, and it’s the reason why we don’t plan for it," she said. She admires anyone who can face it with grace and respect for themselves and others.

Ambrose said the conversation can be awkward. The minister’s request to his congregation let them off the hook so they did not feel they had to address it. For people who want to talk openly, listeners should engage rather than brush it off. "Give people that peace to be able to speak either way when you’re invited into those conversations," Ambrose said.